I'm like a cat... I'm playing with my food but I don't anticipate eating it... Like a cat with a mouse; having fun with it, but after realizing it's dead, ignoring it. I try to justify my choices, convincing myself that he is perfect. Actually most of the time I do see them as perfect, but not perfect for me, perfect for someone else. I see them for who they are, and I realize that the girl they should be with is not me, but regardless I continue to lead them on, just for the thrill of the ride. This is bad on my part, and I see it as foolish. But it's an addiction. I've used my skills and endowments to lure unsuspecting victims into my traps. When I set them free they are heart broken and teary eyed. I must be a sick, twisted animal. An addiction has grown inside of me and I need to let go of it. Sometimes I feel like I can't finish anything, ever. I always want something new, something better. I get bored easily and I'm constantly on the lookout for bigger and better. Schools, jobs, boyfriends, clothes, shoes, sports teams. EVERYTHING. Even churches. I just feel so guilty. I can never keep anything, and I try so hard to convince myself to hold on to security, but I wont allow myself to take part in reason. I wont allow myself to make sense.

I am just so repulsed by the situation I'm in right now. My existence is just screaming to get out of this. But I can't do it, I wont. Sometimes I force myself to go through things just to prove to myself I can. This time it's to the point where I just feel like I'm going to vomit all over the place any and every time I'm reminded of my situation. It's just hard, you know. If I was out of this pressure, out of this headache, this anomaly, this animosity.... I would be free you know. Free to write, free to feel, free to act upon any urge I wanted to. But no, I'm trapped. I can't even tell you why I'm trapped because it's so fragile that if anyone that knew me personally was to get a hold of this writing, I would be dead. Me and my life, dead, in the ground. But I would be gone at least, then I would allow myself to actually think, not bounded by this stupid repression. It gets even worse when the situation asks upon you something. It just reminds you that you have to give to get (or be taken back in this case). Taken back to the depths of my sorry sorry consciousness. I want to scream, but I know I wouldn't even be able to hear myself. I want to let go, but even then I would be holding on. It would be holding on to me, clutched to my very thoughts, my very self. It needs me to survive, to thrive. I wouldn't be able to get rid of it even if I tried. Even if I pushed it away, buried in the ground. There I would find myself, buried with it.

Today I feel trapped. Writing is really the only escape I have. The escape that I cannot access due to a societal understanding, that inhibits me from externalizing my mind into a vapor that can escape me. I need to feel escaped, but alas I cannot. Sometimes misfortune follows me around, and like a plague it takes me and all of those around me down. It can be hard to escape and once you realize the cause of the misfortune is you, it's even harder to escape. Again, I feel as though I am trapped, and anything I say can and will be used against me; Here, in my private journals, in my dream journals, facebook, and everywhere else. It's like I'm being followed and I really just need to cut of my resources expending... That said, don't continue reading if you plan on judging me. I just don't understand how some people just function is society so naturally, like the way it should be. It takes so much work on my part to overcome my mindset that I actually like to socialize, that I actually like other people. Some people dream of being in love. I don't understand why, it's nothing special. I fought with this for so long but... Nevermind. I can't say it on here. Someone might be *gasp* reading this. I doubt it though... Highly. Nevertheless I can't say what's on my mind, it's too risky.