I am just so repulsed by the situation I'm in right now. My existence is just screaming to get out of this. But I can't do it, I wont. Sometimes I force myself to go through things just to prove to myself I can. This time it's to the point where I just feel like I'm going to vomit all over the place any and every time I'm reminded of my situation. It's just hard, you know. If I was out of this pressure, out of this headache, this anomaly, this animosity.... I would be free you know. Free to write, free to feel, free to act upon any urge I wanted to. But no, I'm trapped. I can't even tell you why I'm trapped because it's so fragile that if anyone that knew me personally was to get a hold of this writing, I would be dead. Me and my life, dead, in the ground. But I would be gone at least, then I would allow myself to actually think, not bounded by this stupid repression. It gets even worse when the situation asks upon you something. It just reminds you that you have to give to get (or be taken back in this case). Taken back to the depths of my sorry sorry consciousness. I want to scream, but I know I wouldn't even be able to hear myself. I want to let go, but even then I would be holding on. It would be holding on to me, clutched to my very thoughts, my very self. It needs me to survive, to thrive. I wouldn't be able to get rid of it even if I tried. Even if I pushed it away, buried in the ground. There I would find myself, buried with it.